Hello?
I know.
You're Cindy. Be right with you.
Aunt ShaNeequa?
Bingo.
But you can call me the Oracle.
And don't worry about that vase.
What vase? Oh! Sorry. I didn't know.
Oh! Aah!
That vase.
Please, sit.
It was the chair.
Mmm.
Yes, the chair.
I know why you've come.
A great mystery lies ahead of you,
but you must not shy away from the challenge.
Only you can be the one...
- Orpheus? - What, baby?
Sweetie?
I'm watching the game.
Do you mind?
The Lakers will win by 12.
- So can you tell me about... - The tape?
- Yes. I watched it and... - The phone rang.
- Right. Then this voice said... - That you would die.
- Okay, that's getting... - Extremely annoying.
Yeah.
Try being married to her.
I catch shit about women I ain't slept with yet.
You made a copy of the tape. Let's see it.
Yes. Okay.
ShaNeequa, can you tell me if...
The tape is connected to the crop circles and the aliens?
Yes. But it's up to you to discover how for yourself.
Look, it's a...
Cigarette?
I was going to say lighthouse.
Find that lighthouse. It's your destiny.
Wait.
What is that?
Oh, my God.
There we go. Ugh!
Now, baby.
I knew that was gonna happen.
Uh-oh. Come on.
Oh, hell, no.
Get your ass out of the TV! What's wrong with you?
I'm gonna teach you!
Get out of that TV!
Baby, no! No! Let her go! Let her go!
Let her go! We gonna get another lawsuit.
She spit on me. I'm gonna kill the bitch.
Ah!
You won. You won.
- Upstairs. - Okay.
- Down low. - Okay.
- All right. - Baby, no!
- Kill her! Is you crazy? - Baby!
What you gonna brush now?
What you gonna brush now, huh?
Come on, baby!
You picked the wrong TV to come out of.
George? Cody?
Oh!
George?
- Ow! - What happened?
I don't know.
Cody and I were playing a fun game,
and then I looked down.
Yahtzee!
No!
Oh, my God!
How could you let him watch the tape?
Hello?
- It's me. How you doing? - Fine.
Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you.
- Six days now, right? - Yeah.
It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?
Why? He didn't watch the tape.
Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.
Leave us alone!
Hello?
Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest"
with a fantastic offer for Cody.
Aah!
No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!
Okay, you got me.
How about I just leave a message for him?
Fine.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that?
Right.
Okay, got it. Bye-bye.
Aaaah!
I can't believe you let that happen.
I know. I'm sorry. I screwed up.
Listen, we can still save him.
The answer to the tape, to your crop circles,
is at a lighthouse.
Oh, you think I'm crazy, don't you?
Of course I do.
But the last thing you need now is a screw-up like me.
I'm gonna leave for good.
Wait.
Well, what should I tell Cody?
Let him down easy.
Tell him I got called away on business.
You'll think of something.
Testicular cancer. He won't ask questions.
I knew you'd understand.
George!
Just...
be careful.
Something weird is going on at your farm. I know it.
I don't know.
Sometimes a sheep needs pushed through the fence.
- What? - Goodbye, Cindy.
- Sue? - I can't sleep.
Well, it's way past your bedtime.
Won't you rock me to sleep in your big, strong arms?
There's plenty of room under the covers.
It's a hot night.
You don't need to wear pajamas.
Where is my daughter?
Are you mad? I am your daughter.
No, you're not!
Aaaah!
Aah!
Come here! What did you do with Sue?
I didn't touch her. I swear.
I don't believe you!
Please! For God's sake, she's a girl!
You sick...
Oh!
- Aah! - Daddy!
How do you like it, huh?
Having fun?
Aaah!
Tom, are you...
What in the world?
Shh!
Look.
What is that thing?
I don't know.
Maybe Cindy was right.
Please, sir. All I need is five minutes.
And I told you, Campbell, no more paranoid on-air rants
- about the supernatural. - I know.
This station is about sex, violence, and the weather.
Yes. That reminds me.
We're gonna need that "Porn Star Shot Dead in a Hurricane" story.
One hour.
Meanwhile, a tornado in Charleston
threatens a clothing-optional beach where just yesterday
a naked couple was brutally murdered.
This just five miles from where the last naked couple
was brutally murdered.
Turning now to sports.
And an evil videotape
that kills anyone who watches it in seven days.
It's true. We're all in danger.
- There's an alien force - Oh, no.
That's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.
Campbell, are you insane?
It's a horrible fate.
Carson, I have to do this.
Correction, there really is no danger.
Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said.
Yes, I did. Every word of it.
Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
Oh, shizl gzngahr.
469. I been cleaning after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins
for 10 years.
But I been hitting it with his woman for 12.
Know what I'm saying, nigga?
She likes her some chocolate.
Sharpton for president, y'all. I'm outie.
Peace.
An evil videotape that kills people in 7 days.
Alien forces threatening the world.
And who the hell is this Cindy Campbell?
If what she says is true, we're facing an unprecedented crisis.
Get me the president.
You are the president.
Good. Then I already know about this.
Let's order lunch.
Sir, I think you need to go on TV
and convince the people that there is no such thing as a UFO.
Don't spell in front of me, damn it.
Aliens, sir.
There's no such thing as aliens.
- That's not quite true. - Sir?
A year ago, a UFO crash-landed in New Mexico.
- A body may have been recovered. - "May have been"?
Well, there was a terrible mix-up.
It was Thanksgiving.
The body was sent down to the kitchen.
They shoved stuffing up its ass, and we ate it at a state dinner.
That's the last I saw of it.
No, scratch that.
There were some sandwiches made the next day.
Mr. President!
- Listen to me. - Agent Thompson!
Back away from that window!
What? Did I forget to put my pants on again?
No, sir. It's just a feeling I've been having
since the news about the aliens.
- Something's not right. - I know what you mean.
It's like that feeling that something's not right.
What is it?
Some old Tupac, sir.
"All eyez on me." Hey, this shit is banging.
Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.
Oh!
Hello, Cindy.
I am the Architect.
You have many questions.
I've been watching you for a very long time.
So I see.
What is the connection between the crop circles and the tape?
The answer is simple.
You are the eventuality of an anomaly.
You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.
Sedulant?
Grotesquerie? No?
What about contingent affirmation?
- That's got to mean something. - Hey!
Hey! You put cameras in my bathroom?
What is this?
Oh, my God. Well, it was a long winter.
This is an invasion of... Ow!
Oh, sorry.
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here.
Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time,
not counting myself.
Or this chair.
I call her...
Linda.
Could you just cut to the chase? I'm kind of in a rush.
Why? You can always sleep over if you want.
Linda's built for two, and she vibrates.
Stop it! Just tell me what I need to know.
Who is that little girl?
Okay, okay.
My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant.
Neither could I.
So you adopted.
We loved our daughter, but she was evil.
Made the horses crazy, killed our puppies,
hid the remote.
Really sick shit.
My wife took her to the old family farm
and drowned her in the well.
I felt a simple time-out would have been sufficient.
But Tabitha imprinted her evil on a videotape.
I never meant for it to get out, but...
But what?
I put it in the wrong box and returned it to Blockbuster,
instead of my copy of "Pootie Tang."
It's been circulating and killing ever since.
Just like "Pootie Tang."
But what does this have to do with aliens?
I don't know.
Perhaps Tabitha's summoning them to kill us all.
An alien invasion?
I have to warn the world.
It's already begun. You're too late.
Oh, my God.
But not too late to make an old man happy.
What?
And now reports of lights in the sky.
Glimpses of spacecraft.
Possible alien sightings being reported all over the world.
Are they aliens?
The first video images are coming in.
Disturbing home video tonight
from a ranch outside Sydney, Australia.
Watch very carefully now.
There it is.
Let's see that again.
Very, very disturbing.
And this just in from Sao Paulo, Brazil.
Let's see that again.
Very, very disturbing.
And this just in from South Texas.
Do they pose a threat?
Only one thing's for certain.
We are all going to be killed.
We have to board up the house.
Are you sure this is necessary, Wilson?
Having an awards ceremony at a time like this?
Yes, sir. Everything must appear business as usual.
The nation, while not yet panicked, is deeply disturbed.
Right. We can steer that course,
keeping everybody deeply disturbed.
We don't want a panic.
Very few presidents have faced a crisis like this.
I wonder what President Ford would've done.
Well, if the buck stops here...
the buck stops here.
Thank you all, and welcome to the White House.
The Mother Teresa Awards
recognize those who have overcome
the severest handicaps and disadvantages
to help others in their communities.
The young, the old. Black and white.
Our Native American friends. Hey, how are you?
Hey, how are you?
Ah. Well, it is therefore my honor
to present each and every one of you with this symbol of merit.
The room is secure, Mr. President.
- Or is it? - Sir?
I've been thinking, Thompson.
What if the aliens could take over human bodies?
They'd look just like us.
Or almost.
I never thought of that, sir.
We should be on alert for anything suspicious.
They could be anywhere.
Even...
Right here.
My God.
We'd never see the attack coming.
- It's frightening, sir! - Don't panic.
We'll just move slowly toward the exit.
At last we meet, Mr. President.
It's happening. I knew it.
You'll never take me alive!
Aaaah!
Ah! She's scrambling my brain!
I'll get her!
Aaah!
Oh, no, you don't! Not on my watch!
Good work, sir!
Good God! The small ones have metal teeth!
Jerry's kids, my ass!
Mr. President!
Mr. President, have you gone completely insane?
Like a fox.
We got to talk to the person who saw this coming,
Cindy Campbell.
She knows how to defeat the aliens.
- Filthy, rotten scum! - Aah!
Aah! You're hideous!
Get off my planet!
- No! - Is everything all right?
The exits are all blocked.
I'll find one, sir.
Everybody, clear!
This way, sir! God, this is exciting!
You're excited? You should feel my nipples.
Cody?
Cody, where are you?
Honey?
After today's incident in the East Room,
the White House is now advising all citizens
to board up their homes and prepare for an alien invasion.
Oh, no.
And now a News 8 exclusive.
The killer videotape you've been hearing about.
We're the only station that has it,
and we're showing it all night.
Very exciting. Let's roll it again.
There. Nobody's getting through that sucker.
But we have to get down to the cellar.
- George. - Cindy.
There's no time.
Cody.
Thank God. I've been worried sick.
He showed up about an hour ago. I tried to call.
No, he didn't.
Okay, but I was gonna.
No, he wasn't.
Cody, the point is you can't just run away like that.
I wanted to be with George.
Oh, honey, I know you want a dad, but...
Oh, trust me, Cody, I'm not good at anything.
Why would I be good at that?
Uncle George!
It's gonna be okay, Cody.
I'm going to die, aren't I?
Cody, did I ever tell you what your mom said
about you the day you were born?
No.
I was in the delivery room with her.
She was having a hard time.
Then you began to come out of her.
And your mom screamed and screamed in pain.
She yelled, "Just kill me.
Bludgeon me with a bedpan.
Whatever you do, put me out of this pain."
She was gushing torrents of blood.
I have this all on tape if you want to see it someday.
Well, finally you came out.
Your mom cut your umbilical cord herself.
Well, on the second try.
The first time she snipped your penis in half.
After all, she was drunk.
Actually, drugged.
We'd been out the night before celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
She thought, "Hey, I never tasted crystal meth."
So she did just a little.
My penis?
Yes.
They sewed it on upside down.
So that's why I pee up?
Yes. We'll get it fixed, honey.
It's on my list of things. Right after we get TiVo.
Anyway, there you were.
Your mom turned to me and said,
"Hey, you want him? Take him."
Then she died.
And I took you.
Do you know why?
I had just lost my cat in a fire,
and I needed something to pet and feed.
And I miss that cat, Cody.
But I love you.
And nothing's ever gonna change that,
not even the very painful death we're about to experience.
George!
Are they gone?
I don't hear anything.
Don't worry, Sue.
It was Uncle George.
Well, it's scary.
Good work, Sue.
I don't know what stupid, idiotic thing
made these lights go off.
All right, there's spare fuses in the crawl space.
I can get these lights back on.
Quick, George, grab that railroad tie.
Jam it against the door.
Oh!
My balls!
Oh! Not those!
Jesus!
No!
Uncle George!
I'm scared!
Oh, sweetie, come here. It's okay.
Aah!
There's something on the other side of the door.
I can't see anything.
Oh, my God.
Can you see them?
They're horrible.
They're grayish with big black eyes.
Their teeth are grotesque.
- I think they're giggling. - What?
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I think...
I think they want...
Aaah! Help!
Cody! Oh, my God!
George. Swing away, George.
- Aah! Aunt Cindy, help! - I'm coming, Cody.
I'll save you.
- Ugh! - Die!
Die!
You damn aliens, let him go!
You're not getting in here!
- What else you got? - George.
There! Had enough?
Yeah. Forget it, Cody. Thank me later.
Oh, Cody. Oh, thank God.
Come on.
Daddy!
- Daddy! - Sue!
Oh!
Mahalik, what are you doing here?
I told you the hood's always got your back.
Thank God. There's two of them at the door.
They're gone.
Good. They couldn't get in.
I hear they can't open doors.
They mastered space flight,
but they can't get through a wooden door?
Oh, look, the cellar's the safest place.
Women and children stay here.
- Ugh! - All right, and the men,
we go outside and fight.
Right. And what's the cutoff age for children?
Come on!
Follow me.
I'm sorry.
I thought I was hitting the brake.
Now, we don't have to go through insurance, do we?
Mr. President, what are you doing here?
I'm looking for Cindy Campbell.
She may hold the key to defeating the aliens.
Ah, good. The Air Force is here with those new round planes.
We don't have round planes, sir.
Oh, my God.
Wait. Do you hear that?
- Yo, what's up, George? - C. J!
I told you the 'hood always got your back.
I got the boys with me. Get out the car, man.
Who we gonna shoot?
Is y'all ready to go step?
Let's go do this, 'cause I'm hyped right now!
- Real hyped! - You stepped on my shoe, bitch!
Call me "bitch" again,
and I'll park your truck dead in your ass.
Damn, homey!
- In the cornfield. - They're coming!
Me and my boys, we gonna take care of this.
Come on, let's go.
Son, I'd bust this shit right now.
- Your mama! - I got your number, homey.
- We over here, y'all! - He ain't gonna bust nothing.
I got nuts bigger than him.
Whoa, country-ass, maple-syrup nigga.
Yeah, you want some biscuits? You want some biscuits?
Get down! Get down!
I can't believe what I just saw.
These men died for their country.
Send flowers to their bitches and hos.
I can't break free!
Think! They must have some kind of weakness.
- Huh? - Huh?
I found it!
Without their heads, they're powerless!
Please, no. We mean you no harm.
We traveled to your planet to find an evil little girl.
We must destroy her before seven days.
You mean you watched the videotape?
Our satellite picked up what we thought was "Pootie Tang."
That was a week ago.
And now our entire race will die unless the girl is destroyed.
Oh, see? They are peaceful.
If they're so peaceful, why were they choking us?
Oh, that's how we say hello.
- Hello! - Nice to see you.
- Hello. - Hello.
Well, how do you guys say goodbye?
Oh!
I had to ask.
If you think that's strange, you should see how we pee.
So we're not so different after all.
There's something about this place.
It's like I've seen it before.
Oh, my God.
This used to be their farm.
She died right here.
There's something down there.
Ugh!
Hey, awesome. Yeah, you got it.
Just look at this.
Human beings and aliens working together.
We're all just one big galactic family.
Family.
That's just what I've been running away from.
Well, that's because you're an idiot.
This is it.
My wife took her to the family farm
and drowned her in the well.
The little girl. She's frightened of the well.
Aah!
- Ugh! - Cindy!
Time to go back down the well, bitch.
Cindy!
No. Don't hurt him!
Cindy, come outside.
- The aliens aren't invading. - Aah!
Aah!
Don't worry, Cody. I'll save you.
- Aah! - Wait!
Wait. Don't do this.
You don't have to be evil.
I know what happened to you, Tabitha.
I know what your mom did. That was wrong.
You were just a little girl.
You're still that little girl, just a lot more corpsy
and with really bad teeth.
But maybe all you need is a mother.
And a father.
We could be...
A family.
Thank you all.
Your love has broken the curse and freed my soul.
I'll never have to kill again.
Really?
Nah! I'm just screwing with you!
Aah!
I just want to tell you both good luck.
We're all counting on you.
Now it's over.
Aah!
Oh, no, no, it's okay.
He's our friend.
Thank you for saving our species.
Now we must return to our home planet.
Goodbye, then.
Ugh!
Goodbye.
Hey, congratulations, George!
You know the 'hood always got your back.
Yeah, yeah!
Come on!
Bye!
Whoo!
- Oh! - Oh!
Bye!
Oh, George, I'm so happy.
Finally we're a family.
Yeah. You, me, and...
- Damn! - Damn!
Cindy, George, wait!